I’m at John Glenn High in Norwalk today.
The last time I was here was for a soccer match where I represented my Alma Mater, Norwalk High, against our supposed rivals at John Glenn. Their school was built next to a dairy farm so we used to make fun of them for their campus always stinking like cow shit.
And now, almost fifteen years later I’m here subbing for a drama class, but I’m bored. The lesson plans the teacher left me were to play them X Men and leave them to their own devices.
I used to cherish the days when I’d simply be invited to kick back and relax with the kids but I now consider this instance of my occupation a waste of time. I’d rather be given instructions that would allow me to interact with them, but there’s really no such opportunity today unless I make one. The lesson plan is the same for all periods.
Oh well. I suppose this is one of those days where I’ll have to find a way to entertain myself. I’m not too much into watching TV or movies, but I’ve brought books.
In fact, I started meeting with a Book Club last night.
We’re reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.
I’ve read it before, but I never finished it.
It’s supposedly one of the most powerful books for attracting and creating wealth via the use of divinely inspired ideas and the law of attraction .
Like The Secret, this book suggests that thoughts are things which magnetize what we are thinking of most often to us and that the more we think about what we desire, the easier it is to manifest it within our lives. It states that if we truly wish to amass riches we must be willing to embrace a wealth mentality and allow ourselves to be inspired to action by the creative ideas that float into our consciousness in order to generate the wealth we desire within our real lives.
Further, we must be willing to exchange our natural gifts, talents and energies for said wealth.
Lastly, it emphasizes that we must be steadfast in our desires and not allow any failures or setbacks to interfere with our faith that our vision will materialize. We must possess unwavering faith that our desire is already on its way to us without worrying about the how, simply visualizing and working towards our success until we are living it. We must be determined, we must persevere, and we must truly believe that we will achieve what we desire, no matter what the outside circumstances are.
So far, I’ve really enjoyed the book club. Yesterday was the first meeting and I met with my pastor’s friends and colleagues, all members of different New Age churches, also known as Centers for Spiritual Living. I was the youngest and one of the only women of color in the group. My friend Marcos showed up with me, also one of only two men of color.
We all went around the room and shared our intentions for joining the group. Many were there to socialize, but some had truly deep intentions for committing to 13 weeks’ worth of Sundays for two hours, smack in the middle of the afternoon. Many were interested in becoming rich. Some acknowledged that they also took issue with the idea of even being rich, myself included, and hoped that by being in this class they could abandon such limiting attitudes towards wealth. Others, like me, took a more candid approach and detailed exactly what they wished to get out of the class.
Some were retired and needed to feel more comfortable, fiscally. Others had a deep desire to give more to the world and knew the only way they could was if they had more to give. My friend Marcos confessed that he wished to never give up the joy of making things, and wished to be financially free in order to do so.
I confessed that I came from a family that did not know the secret to becoming wealthy and that I’d been trained to believe that hard work and an education were the true pathways to success. I had attained a degree and chosen a stable career path, and yet, I was dissatisfied and still truly wished to be an entrepreneur, fully focusing on my dreams as an artist instead of engaging in the low level jobs and occupations that I settled for, where I was plagued with the fearful belief that if I did not have a “real job,” I would end up broke and unable to support my daughter. I shared that I had lofty dreams of high budget music videos, performances, elaborate costumes and the deep desire to travel the world with my daughter and home school her while I performed so that we would discover our world together.
I told them about me being on the fence between becoming a teacher and making music a hobby and giving up teaching completely to fully pursue music, along with my deep desire to let go of my fears in order to take a leap of faith in the direction of my dreams.
I told them that I prayed this class, along with their support, would be the catalyst for the next phase of big magic in my life.
Because truthfully, it isn’t enough for me to do cover gigs… Even the high paying ones with amazing musicians. I’m an artist and I have stories to tell and songs to share.
Additionally, it isn’t enough for me to simply teach. I love singing and writing too much. I even fantasize about writing novels or self help books.
I definitely don’t want to settle for a simple life… For living small.
So here’s my chance to be honest with myself:
If money were not an object, and if fear of failure weren’t part of the equation…
What would I be doing with my time right now?
Firstly, I’d be in dance classes. I have always wanted to be an incredible presence onstage, dancing along to my songs.
Secondly, I’d make more time to be in the studio making new music and rehearsing my songs in order to deliver onstage performances that I’d be immensely proud of.
Next, I’d make more music videos and invest more time into my appearance for my performances, photos and videos to authentically express who I really am on the inside.
I’d have weekly voice lessons.
I’d invest in learning more about how to be a better business woman in this industry.
I’d make more moves in commercial music.
I’d learn to master an instrument.
I’d market myself better on social media.
I’d book more shows and hire my favorite musicians to accompany me in playing my original songs.
The end goal would be that I would make my creativity the center of my life and that sharing it would fulfill me and inspire others.
I’m no longer afraid. I understand now why I’m not attracting long term subbing jobs and why my full time position at Banning High for this fall didn’t work out.
I’m getting ready to be what I truly want to be.
Each day I show myself that I can do this… That I can devote my life to creativity and still win, and still have enough to be comfortable with my daughter.
I’m ready to take this leap of faith.
Here’s the book, by the way. I truly recommend it to anyone who wants to live outside of the comfort zone and away from their preconditioned notions of what their lives should be like. If you’re a dreamer, like me, this book is for you.
