Repeated Lessons

 

I’m currently experiencing the residue of my former thought patterns in action.

For instance, the idea that I can’t make it as an artist without my day job.

Artist income is considered to be unpredictable. Some of us work and don’t get paid right away, especially when our clients and managers are waiting for their own checks to clear before they turn around and pay us.

This normally doesn’t phase me, as I typically have had more than enough available and on reserve, but this month is different. This month’s results are the residue of my split beliefs:

On the one hand, I believed I could take three trips in August and get back to work by the time school started up and get called to sub daily and have more than enough gigs to get me by and I guesstimated everything optimistically.

On the other hand, I experienced severe doubt and anxiety underneath these supposed optimistic affirmations of success, prosperity and abundance.

But I said, fuck it. I’m willing it to happen. It will be fine. And, trigger happy, I booked all three trips within a matter of days.

Here’s the problem:

The Universe can’t fully operate for you when you yourself are operating from a split consciousness. You gotta be aligned. You gotta have faith in the plans without a shadow of a doubt because any feelings of doubt will affect the outcome you desire.

Sure enough, I came back from a lovely vacation in San Antonio, Denver and New York City and wasn’t getting called, or I was having technical difficulties, or the plans changed, or stuff got cancelled, and I was left looking at a completely different picture than I hoped for. In red, might I add.

And when I woke up this morning, late because I forgot to set an alarm since I exhaustedly passed out after a long day of subbing, rehearsal, taking Camille to her activities and getting refitted for my Selena costume all the way in buttfuck Egypt aka Ontario, I didn’t prepare jack shit to make today successful. And I paid dearly.

I didn’t have time to go to the grocery store and so I had to run to 7/11 to pack a makeshift lunch for Camille. A $5 lunch cost me $12.50.

I had barely enough time to blow dry the cowlick out of my bangs. I left the rest of my hair down and looking like Selena’s final performance at the Houston Astrodome. Let me make it clear that this was not the look either of us were originally going for.

So much for dressing for the job that I want.

Lastly, my ETA to the school was 7:47 when I left the house and jumped to 7:50. The bell rang at 8 AM, and I irrationally decided, through my headache and sore throat, that I’d drive from Cerritos to Palos Verdes with the gas light on…. To save time. I’d pump gas after school. It would be fine.

I optimistically ignored my intuition.

Fuck it.

There I was, drinking leftover bottled water from last night, listening to Audible’s version of The Conscious Parent, and about to drive over the Vincent Thomas Bridge when my car started slowing down. Thankfully, Brown Sugar was graceful enough to at least let me pull into the left shoulder before calling it quits on me trying to let her run on hopes and dreams instead of Unleaded 87.

I called Jeremy and he came to the rescue in a heartbeat, driving over the bridge and back to get to my lane, pumping the gas with his newly-acquired portable pump and then compassionately hugging and kissing me goodbye before getting back to his pre-work binge of Ozark.

I’m pretty damn lucky he wasn’t already at work, and that he lived in Palos Verdes, right over said bridge that I’d attempted to cross on fumes.

The Universe gives me so many changes to learn so that I could grow… I truly marvel at how nice it is to me no matter how royally I screw up.

I showed up to work late but at least my kids were excited to meet me and the secretary was relieved that I was ok. I was too embarrassed to admit I’d run out of gas so I chose my words very carefully since I hate lying to people, and let it be.

My gas is at a half tank now.

I’m embarrassed to admit this happened to me only a couple of months ago… Under different circumstances, of course. Then, I was lazy. Today, I was in a hurry.

The point is, I need to organize my time and prioritize better. I need to see things as they really are and follow my inner voice. I need to be more practical, combining my idealism with concrete action, so that whatever expectations I have will materialize in alignment with my desires. I can’t afford to be lazy or unorganized because it sets off a butterfly effect into the rest of my life.

How can I break my bad habits and replace them with new ones so that I can streamline my daily activities with success and ease?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m always in a hurry, always late, always forgetting something, always scrambling, always short or flying by the seat of my pants.

I wanna be more intentional and more conscious with my life.

Time to become more prepared… Even if preparation takes time out of my day that I’d rather be using to be productive with something else, I’m realizing how essential it is to my moving up into the next level of my life.

I can’t keep relying on people to rescue me at the last minute or that fortune will suddenly fall on my favor because I’m hoping for the best while freaking out on the inside.

I won’t need to pray that things will work out and that I will get lucky in my negative circumstance when I instead prepare for a positive outcome from the very beginning.

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